R-E-S-P-E-C-T, Find out what it means to me!

I've been on the phone a lot lately, talking to my friends and family about their love lives. The first case: My nephew is young (20) and last week he had the second breakup in his short love life. He's so young, he's caught up in rage and hate and blame and shame (such lethal combinations) and loads of irrational behavior. He doesn't realize that it's really NOT going to hurt forever, that he will indeed get over this girl. It's made me think quite a bit about my breakups when I was in my early 20s, oh so very long, long ago. Seems a lifetime ago... a life that I am very glad to have moved on from.

What is it about heartbreak that makes us lose track of who we are? Why do we launch head over heels into grotesque displays of self-pity and loathing and destruction? I remember standing in front of my boyfriend's car crying and begging him not to drive away when I was 20. Seventeen years later I thank my lucky stars he left. But the thing that sticks with me the most, and the thing I'm being reminded of most clearly in all the conversations with this poor love sick kid, is the loss of respect - for both yourself and for the one who broke your heart. We stop seeing them and ourselves clearly. We either idolize or villainize them, and we do the same things to ourselves. What happens to our ability to fairly and justly call a spade a spade? Where does our self control go that would normally prevent us from acting like stupid assholes or pathetic losers?

R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Seriously, it's all about respect. Two songs on my agenda tonight... Respect, by Aretha Franklin, and The Heart of the Matter, by Don Henley.

The second case: My best friend. She has suffered the most egregious, disgusting shows of disrespect from a place where she does amazing volunteer work. She has been on the board of this organization for years. She single-handedly has built this non-profit into what it is today, and they've screwed her over royally. She has been upset. She has cried. She has lashed out in defense of what she thinks is right. And the really, really terrible thing is, she is damned if she does and damned if she doesn't, because in her particular situation there truly is no good solution. There has been a lot of venting, a lot of pent up aggression that has been stock piling and simmering and festering and growing into a wondrous pot of toxic poison for far too long now... and where is she in all this? Wedged firmly between a rock and a hard place. She has since resigned her post.

My point in bringing up these two scenarios this week is the role that respect and forgiveness plays in our every day lives, but especially in love.

I know so many angry women. I myself have been angry for a very long time. I have often asked myself what it would take to make me whole, to finally allow me to let go of this anger I have towards my ex-husband. The truth is, I need to forgive myself for my part in all of it, which isn't so easy when you want to pretend to be the victim and the martyr all at the same time. I will never be able to forgive him until I forgive myself.

Here are some lyrics for you...
(from The Heart of the Matter, Don Henley)
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning again
I've been trying to get down
to the heart of the matter
But my will gets weak
and my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about...forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore
Ah...these times are so uncertain
There's a yearning undefined
and people filled with rage
We all need a little tenderness
How can love survive in such a graceless age?
Ah...the trust and self-assurance that lead to happiness
They're the very things we kill I guess...

I think these are some of the most brilliant and insightful lyrics ever written. I mean seriously, these are up there with the Beatles for me.

So what is the solution? Why do I compare love loss and a breakup to a resignation from a job? Because it's all about standing up for yourself and for what you need. It's about respecting yourself enough to not settle - to not let other people control you - to not let other people define you. It's about being proud of who you are. And that goes for love, work, life, everything.

I said in my previous blog posting that TO GET LOVE, YOU MUST GIVE LOVE. I have always said the same thing about respect. To get respect, you must give respect. And it all starts with you. Love yourself. Respect yourself. Love the one you're with, respect the one you're with.

And in closing I must say, I seriously think it's about forgiveness. Forgiveness and R-E-S-P-E-C-T (find out what it means to me!).

(more the heart of the matter lyrics below)

There are people in your life who've come and gone
They let you down, you know they hurt your pride
You better put it all behind you baby; cause' life goes on
If you keep carrying that anger, it'll eat you up inside, baby
I've been trying to get down
to the heart of the matter
But my will gets weak
and my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness