I have this wonderful best friend who is smart, beautiful, kind. Total triple threat, complete package, Wonder Woman in a pony tail and modern jeans. She has struggled with finding True Love, mostly because deep down she struggles with believing she deserves it.
We all deserve True Love.
The saying goes, "there's a lid for every pot." It doesn't matter what color, size, shape, age the pot or lid is - somewhere out there is a match for your lid. or your pot. whatever you are. The challenge we face is to be open to searching for it - to be smart enough to recognize it when it comes along - and to fight for it because WE DESERVE IT.
This is a cold hard world at times, and sometimes we have to fight for what we want. We have to take what is ours. We have to believe we have that right.
I have a saying that I use often, especially with my teenage daughters. It goes, "Is the juice worth the squeeze?" I believe that LOVE is definitely worth the squeeze. Yes, it's difficult, and it doesn't always come wrapped up in a pretty package with a pretty bow. As Maroon 5 says, "It's not always rainbows and butterflies, it's compromise that moves us along."
Compromise? Most definitely. And here's the important thing to remember; compromise does not mean settling for less than you deserve, need or want.
Most couples will reach a point where they can tend to confuse compromising with settling. Certainly millions of women do it every day. We settle. It's nurtured into us. BASHED into us. As little girls we're taught to be polite, be sweet, be accommodating. As humans a lot of us are taught not to make waves, don't rock the boat, don't cause a fuss.
But I must ask... how do we get our ships where we need them to go if there are no waves? We need wind, we need waves to move us along. We need compromise, yes. But we also need strength.
Back to my best friend. She's facing a challenge with love. MOST of us face challenges with love. It's how we view ourselves that generally decides how we view love. Are you willing to take a risk on yourself? Are you willing to bet on yourself? If the answer is yes, then chances are you're willing to bet on love. But if you doubt yourself - if you have a good amount of fear or mistrust in yourself, chances are you're going to doubt/fear/mistrust love.
A pure, True Love doesn't come around all that often in this world. When it does find you, reach out and grab it with both hands. I have never met anyone who truly loved who felt regret over having taken that leap. Love is the best reward life can offer. Now go and get yourself some. <3
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
LIVE LOVE.
Right now I'm only moderately exhausted, compared to my usual state of being completely exhausted. I had a good morning... slow, mellow, not very productive (my favorite kind). This afternoon I found myself in a dentist's waiting room reading back issues of Oprah's O magazine. I came across a little nugget of wisdom that so far has stayed with me through the rest of my day. Perhaps writing about it now will further deepen it within the recesses of my mind, enabling me to actually benefit and learn from the statement that originally caught my eye and made me ponder for a moment the meaning of life.
So what is this nugget of wisdom, this veritable gem of knowledge that inspired me to dust off a blog which I have not posted to for almost an entire year? It's a doozy of simplicity and punch all packed into one easy, concise thought:
"Every year should teach you something valuable; whether you get the lesson is up to you. Every year brings you closer to expressing your whole and healed self."
I know this doesn't sound as earth shattering as it may have been built up to be. But as I read it this afternoon I was really struck by the power of age and experience, and how you can either be open to learning and aging or you can hide from your personal truths and lessons life keeps sending your way until you finally accept them. And I loved the phrase "your whole and healed self."
What does this have to do with Loveology? I believe that before we can be successful in love and relationships we have to be able to love ourselves. We have to stop running ourselves down, talking trash about ourselves. We HAVE to talk to ourselves the same way we'd talk to our best friends. If our best friend was going through a rough time we wouldn't tell them they were being stupid and that they needed to get their shit together and stop being so pathetic. OF COURSE WE WOULDN'T DO THAT! We'd be supportive and loving to them. We'd let them know that we're always there for them, no matter what. Unfortunately, most women don't talk to themselves the way they'd talk to their best friend. We cut ourselves down, we are hypercritical of ourselves.
LIVE LOVE. It's my motto, it's my belief, my raison d'etre. Live it for yourself every minute of every day and see how much better you start to feel and look!
One of my favorite films ever made is V for Vendetta. I know this might seem odd, but let me explain. There is a scene where Evie (played by Natalie Portman) is reading a letter written on very papery-like toilet paper that was passed to her in the prison she's being held. This last part of the letter says everything I feel and believe in. The last part of the heartbreaking letter reads,
"I shall die here. Every inch of me shall perish. Every inch.
But one.
An inch.
It is small and it is fragile, and it is the only thing in the world worth having. We must never lose it or give it away. We must never let them take it from us.
I hope that - whoever you are - you escape this place. I hope that the world turns, and that things get better.
But what I hope most of all is that you understand what I mean when I tell you that even though I do not know you, and even though I may not meet you, laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you: I love you.
With all my heart.
I love you.
-Valerie."
I may not know you, but I love you. We are all equals in life and love. We are all making our way through our days.
A friend of mine posted on his Facebook wall today, "The 2 simple rules of life:
#1. Identify what’s most important to you.
#2. Eliminate everything else."
Go out and do some loving, for yourself and for others. <3
So what is this nugget of wisdom, this veritable gem of knowledge that inspired me to dust off a blog which I have not posted to for almost an entire year? It's a doozy of simplicity and punch all packed into one easy, concise thought:
"Every year should teach you something valuable; whether you get the lesson is up to you. Every year brings you closer to expressing your whole and healed self."
I know this doesn't sound as earth shattering as it may have been built up to be. But as I read it this afternoon I was really struck by the power of age and experience, and how you can either be open to learning and aging or you can hide from your personal truths and lessons life keeps sending your way until you finally accept them. And I loved the phrase "your whole and healed self."
What does this have to do with Loveology? I believe that before we can be successful in love and relationships we have to be able to love ourselves. We have to stop running ourselves down, talking trash about ourselves. We HAVE to talk to ourselves the same way we'd talk to our best friends. If our best friend was going through a rough time we wouldn't tell them they were being stupid and that they needed to get their shit together and stop being so pathetic. OF COURSE WE WOULDN'T DO THAT! We'd be supportive and loving to them. We'd let them know that we're always there for them, no matter what. Unfortunately, most women don't talk to themselves the way they'd talk to their best friend. We cut ourselves down, we are hypercritical of ourselves.
LIVE LOVE. It's my motto, it's my belief, my raison d'etre. Live it for yourself every minute of every day and see how much better you start to feel and look!
One of my favorite films ever made is V for Vendetta. I know this might seem odd, but let me explain. There is a scene where Evie (played by Natalie Portman) is reading a letter written on very papery-like toilet paper that was passed to her in the prison she's being held. This last part of the letter says everything I feel and believe in. The last part of the heartbreaking letter reads,
"I shall die here. Every inch of me shall perish. Every inch.
But one.
An inch.
It is small and it is fragile, and it is the only thing in the world worth having. We must never lose it or give it away. We must never let them take it from us.
I hope that - whoever you are - you escape this place. I hope that the world turns, and that things get better.
But what I hope most of all is that you understand what I mean when I tell you that even though I do not know you, and even though I may not meet you, laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you: I love you.
With all my heart.
I love you.
-Valerie."
I may not know you, but I love you. We are all equals in life and love. We are all making our way through our days.
A friend of mine posted on his Facebook wall today, "The 2 simple rules of life:
#1. Identify what’s most important to you.
#2. Eliminate everything else."
Go out and do some loving, for yourself and for others. <3
Friday, June 4, 2010
the late nighter
I have been thinking a lot about the longevity of marriage. what really keeps us together? is it the fact that we've put so much into our relationships it seems ridiculous or too much darn work to walk away from them? or is it that we really, TRULY love this person, and still want to spend the rest of our life with them?
I guess it depends on the day, right? some days the latter, others the former.
whatever your answer is, it is worth delving deeper into. Sometimes, yes. it's just work. work, work, work, work, work. damn work. other days, yes. it's true love. love, love, love. all you need is love. love is a many splendored thing.
i went on a date with my husband tonight and midway through he started to get quiet... withdrawn. he was spacing out on the tv (damn bar/pub tvs). he'd had a long day. i had to shake him out of it and remind him that we were on a date. and even though we'd both had really long days, and even though we've been together for nine years now, he couldn't just yawn and space out and act the same way he does at home while he's watching espn and spacing out. NO. we were ON A DATE!!! which means, even though he's tired, he still has to communicate with me. he can space out at home anytime. but on a date? i don't think so!
but... was i being outgoing with him? was i giving him the opportunity to be a charming man? probably not completely. so i decided to remind BOTH of us that we were on a date.
women - we have to work too. we need to flirt with them. bat our eyelashes. rub their arm while we're talking to them. touch their leg. show some skin. FLIRT. how can we expect them to have fun if we're not being fun for them too?
i have always maintained that men are very, very easy. simple, but not simpletons. okay, sometimes they're simpletons. but seriously, if you don't believe me that men are really, really easy to please, just show up naked with food. you'll never see a happier man in all the world. EASY!
but seriously, they're not complicated. and honestly, a nice date night shouldn't be either. flirt. have fun. smile. touch them A LOT. but not in the eww, tmi, too much pda, get a room kinda way. unless you're into that. or in a sex club. but seriously...
how can we expect them to be charming for us if we're frowning at them?
get your smiles on, ladies! that's the road to getting what you want.
I guess it depends on the day, right? some days the latter, others the former.
whatever your answer is, it is worth delving deeper into. Sometimes, yes. it's just work. work, work, work, work, work. damn work. other days, yes. it's true love. love, love, love. all you need is love. love is a many splendored thing.
i went on a date with my husband tonight and midway through he started to get quiet... withdrawn. he was spacing out on the tv (damn bar/pub tvs). he'd had a long day. i had to shake him out of it and remind him that we were on a date. and even though we'd both had really long days, and even though we've been together for nine years now, he couldn't just yawn and space out and act the same way he does at home while he's watching espn and spacing out. NO. we were ON A DATE!!! which means, even though he's tired, he still has to communicate with me. he can space out at home anytime. but on a date? i don't think so!
but... was i being outgoing with him? was i giving him the opportunity to be a charming man? probably not completely. so i decided to remind BOTH of us that we were on a date.
women - we have to work too. we need to flirt with them. bat our eyelashes. rub their arm while we're talking to them. touch their leg. show some skin. FLIRT. how can we expect them to have fun if we're not being fun for them too?
i have always maintained that men are very, very easy. simple, but not simpletons. okay, sometimes they're simpletons. but seriously, if you don't believe me that men are really, really easy to please, just show up naked with food. you'll never see a happier man in all the world. EASY!
but seriously, they're not complicated. and honestly, a nice date night shouldn't be either. flirt. have fun. smile. touch them A LOT. but not in the eww, tmi, too much pda, get a room kinda way. unless you're into that. or in a sex club. but seriously...
how can we expect them to be charming for us if we're frowning at them?
get your smiles on, ladies! that's the road to getting what you want.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Yay, LOVE!
Lately it's come to my attention that even when you think your relationship is stable and bump proof, something will always inevitably come along to throw you in the ditch. Case in point: recent argument over lack of time spent with spouse.
So my husband decides he's going to wait until late in the evening (about 9 p.m.) to do his work out routine, then watch his war show on HBO he's tivoed. He comes in to say goodnight to me (I need to wake up extra early the next day and am in bed early), by passing the bed on his way out the door, hand on the doorknob, and a quick "Goodnight, Baby!" as he prepares to bail. A more level headed me would have been a bit taken aback by this, but would NOT have launched into an hour and a half argument/conversation about how this made me feel unappreciated and not valued.
As I was listening to my 19 year old daughter talk about her frustrations with her boyfriend whom she now lives with, I began to feel like a major hypocrite. How could I honestly give love advice when I clearly still suffer from crazy woman issues myself occasionally? I reminded myself that it is not the norm for my husband and I to argue. Then I decided to tell my daughter the details of the fight, and how that yes, even though my husband was probably insensitive and not as sweet as he could have been when saying his drive by and wave goodnight to me, I could have been more adult about it and just shrugged it off.
What happened was I illustrated perfectly that even when you have a very strong foundation and a fully committed and happy marriage, it's not always respectful and considerate give and take. Sometime it's all take. And yelling (not a lot of yelling, just a little bit).
But what secures my marriage and makes me rest easy, is knowing absolutely that my husband loves me, even when I'm being crazy, and that I without a doubt love him, even when he's being a duffus. Young relationships don't always have the luxury of such stability.
So I guess my point is, everyone is going to make mistakes in love, even in the happiest of marriages. My husband and I worked things out, and after a few tears and a bit of talking over each other, we settled down and had a discussion, the way good married people do. And the result was a great - and much needed - resolution.
Love gives you the ability to admit you're wrong. Love gives you the ability to listen with your heart. So even though sometimes, YES... you may want to strangle this person or have a magic remote that enables you to "mute" them... love can remind you at just the right time that it's not about keeping score, it's not about who was right or wrong. Life, love and relationships are about being kind, considerate and supporting the other person. Even when you don't entirely agree with what they're doing. <3 YAY, LOVE!<3
So my husband decides he's going to wait until late in the evening (about 9 p.m.) to do his work out routine, then watch his war show on HBO he's tivoed. He comes in to say goodnight to me (I need to wake up extra early the next day and am in bed early), by passing the bed on his way out the door, hand on the doorknob, and a quick "Goodnight, Baby!" as he prepares to bail. A more level headed me would have been a bit taken aback by this, but would NOT have launched into an hour and a half argument/conversation about how this made me feel unappreciated and not valued.
As I was listening to my 19 year old daughter talk about her frustrations with her boyfriend whom she now lives with, I began to feel like a major hypocrite. How could I honestly give love advice when I clearly still suffer from crazy woman issues myself occasionally? I reminded myself that it is not the norm for my husband and I to argue. Then I decided to tell my daughter the details of the fight, and how that yes, even though my husband was probably insensitive and not as sweet as he could have been when saying his drive by and wave goodnight to me, I could have been more adult about it and just shrugged it off.
What happened was I illustrated perfectly that even when you have a very strong foundation and a fully committed and happy marriage, it's not always respectful and considerate give and take. Sometime it's all take. And yelling (not a lot of yelling, just a little bit).
But what secures my marriage and makes me rest easy, is knowing absolutely that my husband loves me, even when I'm being crazy, and that I without a doubt love him, even when he's being a duffus. Young relationships don't always have the luxury of such stability.
So I guess my point is, everyone is going to make mistakes in love, even in the happiest of marriages. My husband and I worked things out, and after a few tears and a bit of talking over each other, we settled down and had a discussion, the way good married people do. And the result was a great - and much needed - resolution.
Love gives you the ability to admit you're wrong. Love gives you the ability to listen with your heart. So even though sometimes, YES... you may want to strangle this person or have a magic remote that enables you to "mute" them... love can remind you at just the right time that it's not about keeping score, it's not about who was right or wrong. Life, love and relationships are about being kind, considerate and supporting the other person. Even when you don't entirely agree with what they're doing. <3 YAY, LOVE!<3
Thursday, March 4, 2010
is romance dead?
I have often found my conversations with my women friends circling back to the topic of romance. So many men are too busy to stop and smell the roses, let alone pick some up to bring home to their women. What's more, so many women are so done with the more traditional (read "old fashioned") displays of chivalry because they're either too independent or too busy to indulge in the finer art of sappy romance. Has feminism and female empowerment and independence made it harder for our men to be romantic? Or have men just forgotten how to scratch their own itches while also scratching ours?
Yes and yes! Well, yes and maybe. Of course there are still romantics out there, pining for their men to do something romantic for them, to surprise them, to sweep them up off their feet... but in this age of technology and independence, what can these men do to show their undying love and adoration? For me, flowers work great! Flowers, chocolates, dinner dates, movie dates, BRING THEM ON! But I'm definitely more traditional when it comes to my ideas about romance. I want my husband to open the car door for me. I want him to hold open doors. But not all women want that anymore.
We're in a crappy economic crunch that has foreclosures and unemployment rates striking fear into the hearts of people everywhere. Card and flower sales are down (like every other sales and market profits). So what can we do about this downward spiral of romanticism?
FREE DATES. No, I'm not talking about a hookup from Craigslist, but an actual bonafide free date that is guaranteed to spice up the romance factor and possibly even get you some. How's this for a Kodak moment? You're on a nice leisurely walk outside... you're holding hands... he sees a pretty flower and no one is around and he picks it for you. Sound good? Heck yeah! the key here is getting outdoors, doing something fun and relaxing together, and being spontaneous. Bike rides are great too. Here's another free date. Raid the pantry, see what you can scrounge up in the way of a nice dinner. Now raid the entertainment cabinet for dvd's. Find a classic movie (Casablanca) or a classic romantic comedy (The Princess Bride) that you haven't seen in a while, and have dinner and a movie in. So many of us buy dvd's and have massive collections and never watch anything in them. Idea No. 3: Play a board game, play a fun game of cards. Do something in the evening after you've washed the dishes and cleaned the kitchen, or if you have kids, after you've put the kids to bed. Have dessert together, whether it's a simple bowl of ice cream together or something fancier, and sit at the table together and laugh. Make a habit of it, call it your "weekly poker game."
And now for free romance advice that your fella can do for you. You're at home alone. The doorbell rings. You go to answer it but no one is there. You look down to see an envelope at the doorstep. You pick it up and open it and find inside is a homemade card on which he's drawn hearts (badly), your initials together, and XOXOXO all over. Inside he's written a heartfelt note. As you read it your heart melts. He's definitely getting lucky later. Suggestion No. 2: clean the bathroom for your mate, draw a luxurious bath, light candles. Have a glass of wine close at hand and music softly playing in the background. Put clean sheets on the bed and make it up nicely. The scene is now set for a very romantic evening at home! Don't be afraid to go for the double play by making breakfast in bed for your honey in the morning!
So as you can see, there are several simple and easy and FREE things you can do that will put some sizzle back in your love life. Hope they work for you as they have for me! ;-)
Yes and yes! Well, yes and maybe. Of course there are still romantics out there, pining for their men to do something romantic for them, to surprise them, to sweep them up off their feet... but in this age of technology and independence, what can these men do to show their undying love and adoration? For me, flowers work great! Flowers, chocolates, dinner dates, movie dates, BRING THEM ON! But I'm definitely more traditional when it comes to my ideas about romance. I want my husband to open the car door for me. I want him to hold open doors. But not all women want that anymore.
We're in a crappy economic crunch that has foreclosures and unemployment rates striking fear into the hearts of people everywhere. Card and flower sales are down (like every other sales and market profits). So what can we do about this downward spiral of romanticism?
FREE DATES. No, I'm not talking about a hookup from Craigslist, but an actual bonafide free date that is guaranteed to spice up the romance factor and possibly even get you some. How's this for a Kodak moment? You're on a nice leisurely walk outside... you're holding hands... he sees a pretty flower and no one is around and he picks it for you. Sound good? Heck yeah! the key here is getting outdoors, doing something fun and relaxing together, and being spontaneous. Bike rides are great too. Here's another free date. Raid the pantry, see what you can scrounge up in the way of a nice dinner. Now raid the entertainment cabinet for dvd's. Find a classic movie (Casablanca) or a classic romantic comedy (The Princess Bride) that you haven't seen in a while, and have dinner and a movie in. So many of us buy dvd's and have massive collections and never watch anything in them. Idea No. 3: Play a board game, play a fun game of cards. Do something in the evening after you've washed the dishes and cleaned the kitchen, or if you have kids, after you've put the kids to bed. Have dessert together, whether it's a simple bowl of ice cream together or something fancier, and sit at the table together and laugh. Make a habit of it, call it your "weekly poker game."
And now for free romance advice that your fella can do for you. You're at home alone. The doorbell rings. You go to answer it but no one is there. You look down to see an envelope at the doorstep. You pick it up and open it and find inside is a homemade card on which he's drawn hearts (badly), your initials together, and XOXOXO all over. Inside he's written a heartfelt note. As you read it your heart melts. He's definitely getting lucky later. Suggestion No. 2: clean the bathroom for your mate, draw a luxurious bath, light candles. Have a glass of wine close at hand and music softly playing in the background. Put clean sheets on the bed and make it up nicely. The scene is now set for a very romantic evening at home! Don't be afraid to go for the double play by making breakfast in bed for your honey in the morning!
So as you can see, there are several simple and easy and FREE things you can do that will put some sizzle back in your love life. Hope they work for you as they have for me! ;-)
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
R-E-S-P-E-C-T, Find out what it means to me!
I've been on the phone a lot lately, talking to my friends and family about their love lives. The first case: My nephew is young (20) and last week he had the second breakup in his short love life. He's so young, he's caught up in rage and hate and blame and shame (such lethal combinations) and loads of irrational behavior. He doesn't realize that it's really NOT going to hurt forever, that he will indeed get over this girl. It's made me think quite a bit about my breakups when I was in my early 20s, oh so very long, long ago. Seems a lifetime ago... a life that I am very glad to have moved on from.
What is it about heartbreak that makes us lose track of who we are? Why do we launch head over heels into grotesque displays of self-pity and loathing and destruction? I remember standing in front of my boyfriend's car crying and begging him not to drive away when I was 20. Seventeen years later I thank my lucky stars he left. But the thing that sticks with me the most, and the thing I'm being reminded of most clearly in all the conversations with this poor love sick kid, is the loss of respect - for both yourself and for the one who broke your heart. We stop seeing them and ourselves clearly. We either idolize or villainize them, and we do the same things to ourselves. What happens to our ability to fairly and justly call a spade a spade? Where does our self control go that would normally prevent us from acting like stupid assholes or pathetic losers?
R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Seriously, it's all about respect. Two songs on my agenda tonight... Respect, by Aretha Franklin, and The Heart of the Matter, by Don Henley.
The second case: My best friend. She has suffered the most egregious, disgusting shows of disrespect from a place where she does amazing volunteer work. She has been on the board of this organization for years. She single-handedly has built this non-profit into what it is today, and they've screwed her over royally. She has been upset. She has cried. She has lashed out in defense of what she thinks is right. And the really, really terrible thing is, she is damned if she does and damned if she doesn't, because in her particular situation there truly is no good solution. There has been a lot of venting, a lot of pent up aggression that has been stock piling and simmering and festering and growing into a wondrous pot of toxic poison for far too long now... and where is she in all this? Wedged firmly between a rock and a hard place. She has since resigned her post.
My point in bringing up these two scenarios this week is the role that respect and forgiveness plays in our every day lives, but especially in love.
I know so many angry women. I myself have been angry for a very long time. I have often asked myself what it would take to make me whole, to finally allow me to let go of this anger I have towards my ex-husband. The truth is, I need to forgive myself for my part in all of it, which isn't so easy when you want to pretend to be the victim and the martyr all at the same time. I will never be able to forgive him until I forgive myself.
Here are some lyrics for you...
(from The Heart of the Matter, Don Henley)
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning again
I've been trying to get down
to the heart of the matter
But my will gets weak
and my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about...forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore
Ah...these times are so uncertain
There's a yearning undefined
and people filled with rage
We all need a little tenderness
How can love survive in such a graceless age?
Ah...the trust and self-assurance that lead to happiness
They're the very things we kill I guess...
I think these are some of the most brilliant and insightful lyrics ever written. I mean seriously, these are up there with the Beatles for me.
So what is the solution? Why do I compare love loss and a breakup to a resignation from a job? Because it's all about standing up for yourself and for what you need. It's about respecting yourself enough to not settle - to not let other people control you - to not let other people define you. It's about being proud of who you are. And that goes for love, work, life, everything.
I said in my previous blog posting that TO GET LOVE, YOU MUST GIVE LOVE. I have always said the same thing about respect. To get respect, you must give respect. And it all starts with you. Love yourself. Respect yourself. Love the one you're with, respect the one you're with.
And in closing I must say, I seriously think it's about forgiveness. Forgiveness and R-E-S-P-E-C-T (find out what it means to me!).
(more the heart of the matter lyrics below)
There are people in your life who've come and gone
They let you down, you know they hurt your pride
You better put it all behind you baby; cause' life goes on
If you keep carrying that anger, it'll eat you up inside, baby
I've been trying to get down
to the heart of the matter
But my will gets weak
and my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
What is it about heartbreak that makes us lose track of who we are? Why do we launch head over heels into grotesque displays of self-pity and loathing and destruction? I remember standing in front of my boyfriend's car crying and begging him not to drive away when I was 20. Seventeen years later I thank my lucky stars he left. But the thing that sticks with me the most, and the thing I'm being reminded of most clearly in all the conversations with this poor love sick kid, is the loss of respect - for both yourself and for the one who broke your heart. We stop seeing them and ourselves clearly. We either idolize or villainize them, and we do the same things to ourselves. What happens to our ability to fairly and justly call a spade a spade? Where does our self control go that would normally prevent us from acting like stupid assholes or pathetic losers?
R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Seriously, it's all about respect. Two songs on my agenda tonight... Respect, by Aretha Franklin, and The Heart of the Matter, by Don Henley.
The second case: My best friend. She has suffered the most egregious, disgusting shows of disrespect from a place where she does amazing volunteer work. She has been on the board of this organization for years. She single-handedly has built this non-profit into what it is today, and they've screwed her over royally. She has been upset. She has cried. She has lashed out in defense of what she thinks is right. And the really, really terrible thing is, she is damned if she does and damned if she doesn't, because in her particular situation there truly is no good solution. There has been a lot of venting, a lot of pent up aggression that has been stock piling and simmering and festering and growing into a wondrous pot of toxic poison for far too long now... and where is she in all this? Wedged firmly between a rock and a hard place. She has since resigned her post.
My point in bringing up these two scenarios this week is the role that respect and forgiveness plays in our every day lives, but especially in love.
I know so many angry women. I myself have been angry for a very long time. I have often asked myself what it would take to make me whole, to finally allow me to let go of this anger I have towards my ex-husband. The truth is, I need to forgive myself for my part in all of it, which isn't so easy when you want to pretend to be the victim and the martyr all at the same time. I will never be able to forgive him until I forgive myself.
Here are some lyrics for you...
(from The Heart of the Matter, Don Henley)
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning again
I've been trying to get down
to the heart of the matter
But my will gets weak
and my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about...forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore
Ah...these times are so uncertain
There's a yearning undefined
and people filled with rage
We all need a little tenderness
How can love survive in such a graceless age?
Ah...the trust and self-assurance that lead to happiness
They're the very things we kill I guess...
I think these are some of the most brilliant and insightful lyrics ever written. I mean seriously, these are up there with the Beatles for me.
So what is the solution? Why do I compare love loss and a breakup to a resignation from a job? Because it's all about standing up for yourself and for what you need. It's about respecting yourself enough to not settle - to not let other people control you - to not let other people define you. It's about being proud of who you are. And that goes for love, work, life, everything.
I said in my previous blog posting that TO GET LOVE, YOU MUST GIVE LOVE. I have always said the same thing about respect. To get respect, you must give respect. And it all starts with you. Love yourself. Respect yourself. Love the one you're with, respect the one you're with.
And in closing I must say, I seriously think it's about forgiveness. Forgiveness and R-E-S-P-E-C-T (find out what it means to me!).
(more the heart of the matter lyrics below)
There are people in your life who've come and gone
They let you down, you know they hurt your pride
You better put it all behind you baby; cause' life goes on
If you keep carrying that anger, it'll eat you up inside, baby
I've been trying to get down
to the heart of the matter
But my will gets weak
and my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Greetings and Salutations, Love lorn, love happy, lovestruck!
I am in love. I have been in love with the same person for eight years now, which to some may not seem like a long time. But as is the case, for many people, eight years is the joyful foundation of a relationship in which time is not measured by traditional standards, but in "love standards," which simply means eight years really can be a very long time!
Throughout the course of these past eight years, even though I have always been very in love with my person, I have not always been good to him. I have treated him badly. I've treated our relationship badly. There has been quite a lot of impropriety on my part, and quite a few things that I am especially NOT proud of. But love has always been my guide - and somehow, through the past eight years, I've managed to grow as a person, as an adult - and even though there were more than the usual share of rough patches, our love has never been stronger.
There is this theory about love that it's going to be the all-out-get-out, once it's truly been found. People convince themselves that there is this huge, moonlit, tied with a big bow perfect love out there, waiting for them like Sleepless in Seattle, like Twilight, like the Notebook... but those are the movies. And tricks are for kids, silly Rabbit.
The truth is, "love is all around us, actually" (from the movie "Love Actually"). Not just movie love, but real-life, true-blue love. And it can and indeed will change your life, if you are indeed open to it. But first, more importantly, you have to change yourself. Wait, let me say that again. And let me emphasize it. in bold. and all in caps. and in red.
BUT FIRST, MORE IMPORTANTLY, YOU HAVE TO CHANGE YOURSELF. YOU MUST LEARN TO NOT BE SELFISH. YOU MUST GROW UP. YOU MUST REALIZE THAT TO GET LOVE, YOU MUST GIVE LOVE.
Next you have to realize that love, while it is amazing, beautiful and powerful, is also hurtful, confusing, and at times downright boring. "Love is a many-splendored thing," and also a many-faceted thing. It is a cruel mistress, a dog that bites, a pain in the ass. It is a blow to the head, a mind fuck, a cry yourself to sleep myriad of joy and pain, smiles and tears. "It's not always rainbows and butterflies, it's compromise." -- Maroon Five. Love might not be easy, it might not come with an instruction manual, BUT... love is the single greatest thing in this world.
The point of this blog will be to discuss love - to give love advice - to celebrate the nuances, complications and joys of love. Send me questions. Send me love stories. Post your thoughts. I want to hear from you - but I also want to help you. I am a long-time studier and observer and practitioner of love. I have been in the trenches of love. I have walked a mile in your shoes. I have been lovestruck, broken hearted, addicted to, enthralled and overwhelmed by love, married, divorced, remarried! and I have come out the rabbit hole clean on the other side.
And this brings this post to an end. Sort of. It's all up to you now. Go forth and love and be loved.
Throughout the course of these past eight years, even though I have always been very in love with my person, I have not always been good to him. I have treated him badly. I've treated our relationship badly. There has been quite a lot of impropriety on my part, and quite a few things that I am especially NOT proud of. But love has always been my guide - and somehow, through the past eight years, I've managed to grow as a person, as an adult - and even though there were more than the usual share of rough patches, our love has never been stronger.
There is this theory about love that it's going to be the all-out-get-out, once it's truly been found. People convince themselves that there is this huge, moonlit, tied with a big bow perfect love out there, waiting for them like Sleepless in Seattle, like Twilight, like the Notebook... but those are the movies. And tricks are for kids, silly Rabbit.
The truth is, "love is all around us, actually" (from the movie "Love Actually"). Not just movie love, but real-life, true-blue love. And it can and indeed will change your life, if you are indeed open to it. But first, more importantly, you have to change yourself. Wait, let me say that again. And let me emphasize it. in bold. and all in caps. and in red.
BUT FIRST, MORE IMPORTANTLY, YOU HAVE TO CHANGE YOURSELF. YOU MUST LEARN TO NOT BE SELFISH. YOU MUST GROW UP. YOU MUST REALIZE THAT TO GET LOVE, YOU MUST GIVE LOVE.
Next you have to realize that love, while it is amazing, beautiful and powerful, is also hurtful, confusing, and at times downright boring. "Love is a many-splendored thing," and also a many-faceted thing. It is a cruel mistress, a dog that bites, a pain in the ass. It is a blow to the head, a mind fuck, a cry yourself to sleep myriad of joy and pain, smiles and tears. "It's not always rainbows and butterflies, it's compromise." -- Maroon Five. Love might not be easy, it might not come with an instruction manual, BUT... love is the single greatest thing in this world.
The point of this blog will be to discuss love - to give love advice - to celebrate the nuances, complications and joys of love. Send me questions. Send me love stories. Post your thoughts. I want to hear from you - but I also want to help you. I am a long-time studier and observer and practitioner of love. I have been in the trenches of love. I have walked a mile in your shoes. I have been lovestruck, broken hearted, addicted to, enthralled and overwhelmed by love, married, divorced, remarried! and I have come out the rabbit hole clean on the other side.
And this brings this post to an end. Sort of. It's all up to you now. Go forth and love and be loved.
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